It's a new blog again, now that my life starts a new chapter. Coincidentally, it's 2006 as well, which started - as usual - without much of a bang. I spent yesterday (and part of this morning) watching LOTR at Wilson's, with of course the same and indispensable gang of N and company. LOTR never fails to surprise me and provoke deeper thoughts in me, even when - as I was last night - I am drugged enough to wrestle with my eyelids to keep them up.
But enough of 2005. 2006 sees me in new form, when I learn through both soft ways and hard difficult life lessons. I'm not much more mature than I was in 2005 I suspect, although I also think I've come more to terms with where I'm headed for and the quasi-true importance of gaining placidity in one's mind before one loses one's moral compass and sense of direction in life. I've been preaching this so much so often to so many people, always with me believing with utmost conviction that even if I don't know what this means, I almost certainly can guess more accurately than most people what it means. But no, I learnt that despite the long debates I've had with various people say against buying cars, splurging mindlessly on silly creature comforts that Singaporeans are so fond of, I'm coming slowly to the edge and succumbing so to speak to temptations of vacuous riches.
I haven't had time to - as it were - look back on 2005 and learn my lessons in a systematic way. Some people do that, I know, and often these are the people who seriously pen down 'New Year Resolutions' and actually believe that they will stick to these new demands they lay on themselves for the whole of the new year. I don't think many people ever succeed in changing themselves allegedly for the better. The resolve will come with the arrival of the new year, and before the third sunrise after the year starts, it will crumble to dust. The first day of every calendar year is just to me like any other day in any year. Festivals, holidays and anniversaries - these are just excuses people (consumers and sellers alike) conjure for them to indulge more and splurge. I've grown jaded long ago of the boring stories people like to tell each other about the importance of Christmas (the ubiquitous and proverbial 'season of giving and sharing'), the New Year (to usher in great success and seek to be a better person), Valentine's (to show your love and concern to that special someone) etc etc. But why on earth do we ever need some silly group of men and women who sat down years ago to decide that this would be the day in which we do X and remember Y? That's pathetically subservient if you ask me. Well of course we aren't really obeying the orders of these men and women. We just happen to think their suggestions are useful to enrich our lives. But gees, let's face it. We're probably going to be more inclined to show less concern and give less and share less just because we think oh we've loved, given and shared in Valentine's and Christmas. It's just like how we act to be nice to Mummy and DAddy during their respective Days, but right after and right before (and oftentimes even on the days themselves) we treat them like dirt and hate their nagging and bite back at them when we can. Which is why, if you ask me, I look with disdain at these silly dates and the ostensible 'feel-good' meanings behind them. Sure, Christmas, New Year etc are great times to share meals and moments with friends and loved ones, but to me, that's only because they are made public holidays in most countries and most of my friends and loved ones also think that these days are days for friends and loved ones, so they'll be willing to make time for me to meet them. i.e. I certainly feed on this man-made meanings behind these dates, but I abhor the self-imposed imprisonment of our actions and priorities on these dates just because that's what people tell us they mean or ought to mean.
But enough of that. I've recently walked out of a rather dark tunnel in my life, and I'm happy that I am starting my own musings on a fresh page, just as I hope my life begins on a new page now. It's not that my plans, priorities or actions take on a different form now that 2006 arrives. My course is still on-going, my family remains, my character is pretty much going to remain static, and my means of achieving and acquiring remain quite the same. My fears remain unexorcised, and the people and friends I gravitate towards aren't going to change very much too.
But I must say that suddenly, especially after last night's LOTR session, I experience a catharsis of sorts, as if I've expunged some filth that I've picked up somehow in my life as I rolled around in the mud of this world. I remember telling N before my course started that my very being felt emptied out, as if my innards were dug out, and my life and self were collapsing into themselves. It was as if I carried a gargantuan vaccum in myself that weighed the world. I knew I needed company then which I couldn't find. I knew I was desperate for a community, for friendship, for a group that I could lean on to and catch my breath before I hurl another punch at my demons. I am beginning to find some sort of solidarity amongst my coursemates, albeit quite clearly an emphemeral one and also possibly a rather shallow one. At the end of the day, despite all my proclamations that I am independent and can survive wherever I go to, I realise - just as I did when I first went to the US - that I still need friends around me and to get that, I need time and a suitable environment. It's not easy, as many of my friends who went overseas to study or work and have returned will readily testify, to find Singaporeans who can talk in depth about things that I think matter deeply to me. Prima facie 'big' issues like religion, politics, culture, history, philosophy and 'elitist' issues like art and literature all mean much to me and I believe ought to mean much to any mature adult. But no, you get big fans of the more tactile issues like food, shopping, film and TV. I remain appalled at how readily satisfiable Singaporeans are generally, and when I just indulge in some honesty, telling potential new friends from Singapore some things I really enjoy doing in my free time, topics that kept my friends and I in the UK or in the US up at night, they are agape and look at me in bewilderment. I am losing patience, to be honest, in tearing my hair out scouring for new friendships here. Perhaps therefore, if I decide to throw in the towel, I ought to learn (or would more probably already have learnt) how to live a lot less depending on companionship. I'm increasingly of the view now that a happy and fulfilling life needs actually less of friendship and love than confidence of one's worth and being. Amongst my coursemates is an army sign-on who is already 29 but is only a corporal. I haven't dared (and probably will never dare) to ask him what he felt and still feels now he knows I'm much younger but achieved more academically speaking than he has. But he's an amazingly jovial person regardless of whatever that comes his way. His jokes while incredibly crass also evince an unmistakable element of optimism which makes me absolutely forget the possible fear he has for me (or me for him) so much so that I honestly enjoy his jokes and will almost always listen to whatever he has to say. Nonetheless, he finds it unintelligible for me to love to talk about 'big' issues when I was overseas, while I find it still beyond me that so many Singaporeans like himself only live for and talk about the smaller issues that to me ought to be only occasional chatting topics. We still have lots to learn from each other though. Probably no one in my course will believe me when I say this, but I cannot be more convinced of the veracity of this: my mind is 'capacious' so to speak, only when it comes to learning conceptual issues, gaining knowledge in conceptual forms. When it comes to practical work like manning machines, understanding instruction manuals etc, I fumble painfully. Even in subjects that supposedly marry theory with practice, like physics, I've only done well in the theory section, but never manage to get grades anywhere close to that of my theory for my practical. Hence I grow increasingly convinced of this dictum, that there is always something to learn from anyone.
But enough of 2005. 2006 sees me in new form, when I learn through both soft ways and hard difficult life lessons. I'm not much more mature than I was in 2005 I suspect, although I also think I've come more to terms with where I'm headed for and the quasi-true importance of gaining placidity in one's mind before one loses one's moral compass and sense of direction in life. I've been preaching this so much so often to so many people, always with me believing with utmost conviction that even if I don't know what this means, I almost certainly can guess more accurately than most people what it means. But no, I learnt that despite the long debates I've had with various people say against buying cars, splurging mindlessly on silly creature comforts that Singaporeans are so fond of, I'm coming slowly to the edge and succumbing so to speak to temptations of vacuous riches.
I haven't had time to - as it were - look back on 2005 and learn my lessons in a systematic way. Some people do that, I know, and often these are the people who seriously pen down 'New Year Resolutions' and actually believe that they will stick to these new demands they lay on themselves for the whole of the new year. I don't think many people ever succeed in changing themselves allegedly for the better. The resolve will come with the arrival of the new year, and before the third sunrise after the year starts, it will crumble to dust. The first day of every calendar year is just to me like any other day in any year. Festivals, holidays and anniversaries - these are just excuses people (consumers and sellers alike) conjure for them to indulge more and splurge. I've grown jaded long ago of the boring stories people like to tell each other about the importance of Christmas (the ubiquitous and proverbial 'season of giving and sharing'), the New Year (to usher in great success and seek to be a better person), Valentine's (to show your love and concern to that special someone) etc etc. But why on earth do we ever need some silly group of men and women who sat down years ago to decide that this would be the day in which we do X and remember Y? That's pathetically subservient if you ask me. Well of course we aren't really obeying the orders of these men and women. We just happen to think their suggestions are useful to enrich our lives. But gees, let's face it. We're probably going to be more inclined to show less concern and give less and share less just because we think oh we've loved, given and shared in Valentine's and Christmas. It's just like how we act to be nice to Mummy and DAddy during their respective Days, but right after and right before (and oftentimes even on the days themselves) we treat them like dirt and hate their nagging and bite back at them when we can. Which is why, if you ask me, I look with disdain at these silly dates and the ostensible 'feel-good' meanings behind them. Sure, Christmas, New Year etc are great times to share meals and moments with friends and loved ones, but to me, that's only because they are made public holidays in most countries and most of my friends and loved ones also think that these days are days for friends and loved ones, so they'll be willing to make time for me to meet them. i.e. I certainly feed on this man-made meanings behind these dates, but I abhor the self-imposed imprisonment of our actions and priorities on these dates just because that's what people tell us they mean or ought to mean.
But enough of that. I've recently walked out of a rather dark tunnel in my life, and I'm happy that I am starting my own musings on a fresh page, just as I hope my life begins on a new page now. It's not that my plans, priorities or actions take on a different form now that 2006 arrives. My course is still on-going, my family remains, my character is pretty much going to remain static, and my means of achieving and acquiring remain quite the same. My fears remain unexorcised, and the people and friends I gravitate towards aren't going to change very much too.
But I must say that suddenly, especially after last night's LOTR session, I experience a catharsis of sorts, as if I've expunged some filth that I've picked up somehow in my life as I rolled around in the mud of this world. I remember telling N before my course started that my very being felt emptied out, as if my innards were dug out, and my life and self were collapsing into themselves. It was as if I carried a gargantuan vaccum in myself that weighed the world. I knew I needed company then which I couldn't find. I knew I was desperate for a community, for friendship, for a group that I could lean on to and catch my breath before I hurl another punch at my demons. I am beginning to find some sort of solidarity amongst my coursemates, albeit quite clearly an emphemeral one and also possibly a rather shallow one. At the end of the day, despite all my proclamations that I am independent and can survive wherever I go to, I realise - just as I did when I first went to the US - that I still need friends around me and to get that, I need time and a suitable environment. It's not easy, as many of my friends who went overseas to study or work and have returned will readily testify, to find Singaporeans who can talk in depth about things that I think matter deeply to me. Prima facie 'big' issues like religion, politics, culture, history, philosophy and 'elitist' issues like art and literature all mean much to me and I believe ought to mean much to any mature adult. But no, you get big fans of the more tactile issues like food, shopping, film and TV. I remain appalled at how readily satisfiable Singaporeans are generally, and when I just indulge in some honesty, telling potential new friends from Singapore some things I really enjoy doing in my free time, topics that kept my friends and I in the UK or in the US up at night, they are agape and look at me in bewilderment. I am losing patience, to be honest, in tearing my hair out scouring for new friendships here. Perhaps therefore, if I decide to throw in the towel, I ought to learn (or would more probably already have learnt) how to live a lot less depending on companionship. I'm increasingly of the view now that a happy and fulfilling life needs actually less of friendship and love than confidence of one's worth and being. Amongst my coursemates is an army sign-on who is already 29 but is only a corporal. I haven't dared (and probably will never dare) to ask him what he felt and still feels now he knows I'm much younger but achieved more academically speaking than he has. But he's an amazingly jovial person regardless of whatever that comes his way. His jokes while incredibly crass also evince an unmistakable element of optimism which makes me absolutely forget the possible fear he has for me (or me for him) so much so that I honestly enjoy his jokes and will almost always listen to whatever he has to say. Nonetheless, he finds it unintelligible for me to love to talk about 'big' issues when I was overseas, while I find it still beyond me that so many Singaporeans like himself only live for and talk about the smaller issues that to me ought to be only occasional chatting topics. We still have lots to learn from each other though. Probably no one in my course will believe me when I say this, but I cannot be more convinced of the veracity of this: my mind is 'capacious' so to speak, only when it comes to learning conceptual issues, gaining knowledge in conceptual forms. When it comes to practical work like manning machines, understanding instruction manuals etc, I fumble painfully. Even in subjects that supposedly marry theory with practice, like physics, I've only done well in the theory section, but never manage to get grades anywhere close to that of my theory for my practical. Hence I grow increasingly convinced of this dictum, that there is always something to learn from anyone.
posted by kitchenofintrigues at
6:50 am
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home